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JAKE

Full Name: Jacob Morgendorffer
Age: Mid 40's
Vocation: Self-employed marketing consultant
Parents: Ruth and "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer
Spouse: Helen
Children: Daria and Quinn
First Appearance: Esteemsters


Jake is not unlike many sitcom fathers: well meaning, but totally clueless when it comes to the intricacies of parenthood. He is almost always stressed out over some issue or another; that, combined with many unresolved issues from his childhood and a tendency to blow the tiniest of things way out of proporation, often get in the way of his best intentions. He's also living proof that humans and jellyfish can have offspring, as he is totally spineless and lets Helen run roughshod over him. Like Helen, Jake is also a former hippie, but unlike his peers, he somehow managed to get through the peace-and-love era without compromising a single ounce of his stress (which finally caught up with him when he suffered a mild heart attack in "Jake of Hearts" (#309)).

-From Outpost Daria

QUOTES:

Daria - Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia.
Jake - Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Damnit!
Helen - Sit down Jake, it was a joke.
Jake - Oooh. Oh.


Jake - It's Jake, my man, Jake. You know, I went out for football in military school, but the other kids taunted me. Said I ran funny. (gulps down soda) Well, I've shown them! The smug little turds. I've got the house, the paycheck, and they're all lying dead in a stinking rice paddy. At least, that's the way I like to think of them. Hey, how about a soda?


Helen - Don't start girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.
Daria - I didn't know I had a curfew.
Jake - Well that's interesting Daria, I didn't either, but according to your mother...


Quinn - Daddy, you remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be 50 dollars.
Jake - 50 dollars an hour?
Helen - Well I got the bad news from the periodontist - 6 months worth of gum work, 800 dollars a month.
Jake - 800 dollars a month!
Daria - (walks in) Mail's here. Did you know congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?
Jake - 250 billion a year? Damnit, that's it Daria, do you think I'm made of money?
Helen - Jake, were you listening? Daria was saying...
Jake - Tutoring, dental work, congress! I'm not a machine damnit! I'm a man!


Jake - You sound like my father.
Helen - What?
Jake - Oh, he knew everything about camping. Of course he had a different approach! No tent for mad dog Morgendorffer! Oh no! No sleeping bag either! You slap some damn sticks together and sleep in a bunch of pine needles and if it rains, well tough crap! No tent for Mad Dog Morgendorffer and no tent for little Jakey either!
Helen - That's good. You're letting out some of that tension.
Jake - Why couldn't he just love me for who I was?
Helen - Okay Jake, now you're letting out too much tension.
Jake - I mean, why did he think I was still wetting the bed at 15? Oh, hi girls!


Jake - You know, if you refrigerate this stuff the pesto kind of gets a little funky. It oxidizes or something. It's best eaten the day it's made. Now who would like some more?
Helen - Jake, would you put down the damn macaroni and ask your daughter why she has to be so cynical all the time.
Jake - It's not macaroni Helen!
Helen - Jake, ask her why she can't be upbeat once in a while.
Jake - You see Helen, if this was supposed to be macaroni and cheese it would be very bad. But it's pene a la pesto and judged by the standards of pene a la pesto it's very good.


Helen - I'm very upset about this.
Jake - Oh yeah, I know! See, I was trying to call the number for movie phone, and out of nowhere this woman comes on the line...
Helen - Jake, what are you talking about?
Jake - That's not the phone bill. I, what is that?


Jake - What's on your mind? I'm up on the issues. Drugs, peer pressure! Or is it a problem with a gang?
Daria - It's more of a personal issue.
Jake - It's not, hygeine or anything...
Daria - Dad, let's say you have an identity that you didn't even like.
Jake - Oh sure! Like, one day you wake up middle aged and resenting the hell out of it.
Daria - Um, okay. But even though you don't like this identity, somebody comes along and steals it from you.
Jake - And you're upset. You earned that resentment, it's your right.
Daria - Well, it's more like, you didn't want this identity, but if they take it away, you've got nothing. What do you do?
Jake - They took your identity Daria? Then you walk away. You change your name, move to another state, get some ID. It's not too late to start over Daria, it's not too late! You're still a young man! You don't have to live with your mistakes! Get out while you can!


Jake - It was a time of innocence, when you left your door unlocked and candy bars cost a nickle. Not that those two facts are related, aww, damnit! Lemme start over. It was a carefree time when a young boy could learn to ride his bike, on sun-dappled streets. Hey! Why doesn't anybody help that poor kid? He skinned his knee! Oh I get it. Get back on the bike Jake, big boys don't cry. Crying is for girls Jakey. Shake, shake, quiver, and quake! It's all coming back to me now!


Jake - (shouts) Helen! Helen! What's the number for 911?! My tongue! Dear God, it's black! Helen!


Helen - Honestly, Jake, sometimes I wonder if you know even the most rudimentary facts about our girls. How old is Quinn?
Jake - Uh, eleven... ish? That was a guesstimate.
Helen - Jake, what's my middle name?
Jake - It's got a "K," right?
(Helen huffs angrily, leaves)
Jake - Honey, wait!
(door slams)
Jake - (turns TV back on) Shoot, big man, shoot!


Quinn - A heart doctor. If Dad had died, I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
Jake - That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Daria - You're not dying, Dad.
Jake - Avenge me!


Jake - Tried to mold me into a soldier, but did he ever let me have a G.I. Joe? Didn't want his boy playing with dolls, he said.
Ruth - Oh, Jake! I wanted you to have that doll!
Jake - It was an action figure!