Quotes were taken from the transcripts at
The Neutral Planet
The Series Has Landed
Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain. [Fry opens his mouth] No no no no no no not that mouth!
Fry: I only have one.
[He checks a piece of paper.]
Fry: Uh, is there a human doctor around?
Zoidberg: Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say [noise] [Fry clears his throat and tries to mimic the noise. It angers Zoidberg] What?? My mother was a saint! Get out!!
Fear of a Bot Planet
Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please.
Man: We don't sell those.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll.
Man: We're out of rolls.
Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.
My Three Suns
Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal shell!
Zoidberg: Relax Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge seperating out the denser fluid of His Highness.
Fry: But won't that crush my bones?
Zoidberg: Oh right right! The bones that's it! I always forget about the bones.
Fry And The Slurm Factory
Zoidberg: I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots.
[He shines a torch into Fry's eye.]
Fry: I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I though YOU were the robot.
Fry: Nope. Human.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story. [He turns to Bender.] Now what seems to be the trouble?
Bender: My tummy hurts. And I've been having this burning electrical discharge.
[Zoidberg runs a stethescope across Bender's casing.]
Zoidberg: Don't worry, you'll be fine. [He walks towards the rest of the crew muttering.] (muttering) Oh boy. (quietly) I didn't have the heart to tell him. It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning.
A Head In The Polls
[Zoidberg talks with a Neptunian at the People For The Ethical Treatment Of Humans stand.]
Zoidberg: Sure, humans are cute, but how else are we supposed to test cosmetics?
Hermes: Ah dammit we're stuck!
Zoidberg [shivering]: At least you're not cold blooded!
Zoidberg: Huh? What's this? [His card it shaped like a lobster.] A card from my cousin Zoidbfarb. [The message reads "Santa "Claws" Cousin Zoidfarb."] Heh heh heh! Instead of "Claus" he writes "Claws"! Now that's humourous! Today's comedians could learn from this card!
Zoidberg: So what's the problem? Just get down on your claws and do the apology dance. [He does the dance.] La de de da da de da...
Zoidberg: Thank you! These'll come in handy for my new hair. [He pulls his hat off. Amy and Hermes' hair is grafted to Zoidberg's head.] Finally I look as pretty as I feel!
Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed. Except you Dr Zoidberg, this is for you.
[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]
Zoidberg: A pogo stick!!
Put Your Head on my Shoulder
Zoidberg: You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor!
Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad.
Zoidberg: Vroom vroom! And the winner of the big car race is: Hot Rod Zoidberg!
[He puts his claws in the air, cheering.]
Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin. I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
Fry: Can I live without it?
Zoidberg: If you call that living.
Anthology of Interest I
Zoidberg: So, now Zoidberg is big huh? That's more like it! Who's intimidating who now big city? [He walks towards a building.] Hello Mr Chase Manhattan Bank! Deny my credit card application will you? [He growls and knocks the building in half. He turns around and sees and old nemesis.] Ah, the famed Apollo Theatre. Boo me off stage on open mike night huh? I'll show you!
Zoidberg: Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it.
Zoidberg: Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens I have mail order degrees in Murderology and Murderonomy! [He pulls out a Sherlock Holmes-like hat.] Zoidberg is afoot!
Zoidberg: If that's his pizza then I'm icy-whatever!
A Tale of Two Santas
Fry: I'm Santa Claus!
Hermes: No. I'm Santa Claus.
Amy: We're also Santa Claus.
Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus!
Where the Buggalo Roam
Zoidberg: Not bad for a city boy huh? [Mr Wong takes a bite of caviar.]By the way I took the liberty of fertilising your caviar.
The Route of All Evil
Zoidberg: What's going on? Is this angry yelling or busted hearing aid yelling?
Love and Rocket
Zoidberg (voiceover): As the candy hearts poured into the firey quasar a wonderous thing happened why not. They vapourised into a mysitcal love radiation that spread across the universe destroying many many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was at exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them. Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg! And no one could have been happier unless it would have been Valentines Day. What? It was? Hooray!
Less Than Hero
Zoidberg: I've got just the thing, genuine miracle cream I bought from a travelling salesman. [Fry and Leela squeeze some onto their hands and rub it on their aching muscles.] "Come one come all," he said, "Step right up!" This sounds too good to be true I thought. He said I looked like a smart young man. "So is it a deal?" I enquired. Two hours later he was gone, with 60 of my dollars. But I have the miracle cream...
A Taste of Freedom
Zoidberg (singing): Freedom freedom freedom, oy! Freedom freedom freedom, oy!
Fry: So, what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
Zoidberg: No, it's a fabulous, crabulous day!
Zoidberg: That's why I love Earth! You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares!
Fry: We're not listening!
Zoidberg: See, that's what I'm talking about!
Zoidberg: I'm swelling with patriotic mucus!
Zoidberg: Yes fellow patriots, I ate your flag! And I did it with pride. For to express oneself with doing a thing is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all it's wonderful people!
Fry: You OK there in the embassy Zoidberg?
Holo-Zoidberg: No. There's no cocoa marshmellows. And every night the rats eat a little more of my foot.
Chief Justice: The court orders an immediate public apology.
Holo-Zoidberg: Apology accepted. Just don't let it happen again.
Hermes: She means you ya turkey out the sea!
Zoidberg: Deny my freedom will you? Well we'll do to you what we did the the Squash Men of the Squash Planet! Squish them!
Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV
Zoidberg: Look who's here everyone! It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp!
Crimes of the Hot
Zoidberg: Hurry up with the water, I'm steaming in my own shell I am, it's that hot it is!
Zoidberg: Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortabble man suddenly throw a party? One of the most social events imaginable. It's a trap is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [There is no reaction from the rest of the crew. No one even acknowledges him.] I don't hear any gasping.
Leela: We all figured that out.
Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm a teenage hearthrob again!
Zoidberg: I'm no doctor but this machine guy could use a lozenge.
Zoidberg: What I'm going to revrt through ALL my larval stages?
Bender: This is great! My buddy's alive and his credit cards are valid again! [He takes Fry's credit cards out of his chest cabinet.] Lets go get hamered!
Zoidberg: I should warn you: I'm a mean drunk.
Zoidberg (singing): Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style. Ladies vomit when I smile. But does Zoidberg worry?
[The bee stings him.]
Bee (singing): Bee...
Zoidberg (singing): ...happy!
Amy: Two weeks. Fry never left your side for a minute.
Zoidberg: And he talked non-stop, like a parrot of the sea he was.
Bender: Wow, that guy must have to be like the world's greatest bender. My dreams of glory died before they began.
Zoidberg: Welcome to my life!
Zoidberg: I saw a frilly cake in here you would remember all your life. I know I will. Late at night it haunts me with it's frosted beauty. (shouting) Order the cake dammit!
Calculon: Is there a doctor in the -
Zoidberg: I came as soon as I could. [He puts a stethescope to Coilette's head and gasps.] It appears to be a case of African Hydraulic Fever!
Zoidberg [eating]: I'm a doctor, she's dead.
The Farnsworth Parabox
Zoidberg: In my experience boxes are usually empty. Or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time pepperoni! [He clasps his claws together.] What a day that was! [He screams and pushes Fry and Bender out of the way.] (shouting) Give me the box!
Zoidberg 1: So, tell me about yourself!
Zoidberg: Well don't look into it but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor! Ooo a can!
[He picks up the can and slurps out the contents of it.]
Zoidberg 1: As for me I design mansions, then live in them. [He bursts into tears.] I'm lying! I'm an appalling failure!
[Zoidberg cries too.]
Zoidberg (crying): Me too! A big fat one.
Zoidberg 1: And those co-workers. Always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they? From Nob Hill?
Zoidberg: They're all like "Stop spraying me with ink Zoidberg!" "Put on pants Zoidberg!" "Don't touch our fancy box Zoidberg!"
Zoidberg 1: Oh that box! Too good for us is it?
Zoidberg: Bah! Someday they'll watch! From down in the gutter they will, as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box.
Zoidberg 1: You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw where Professor hid the box!
[Zoidberg laughs evily and Zoidberg 1 joins in.]
Zoidberg: All hail Zoidberg! The king with the box! [He kisses his feet.] Now it's my turn maybe?
Zoidberg 1: The box says no.
Zoidberg 1: Why with the long faces?
[Leela 1 gasps.]
Leela 1: The idiots have the box!
Zoidberg: I think she means you.
Three Hundred Big Boys
Zoidberg: A fortune it is! At last, Zoidberg will live like a rich man!
Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff and you give me shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu!
Zoidberg: Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you!
Zoidberg: To induce vomitting, that was the solution! Everythwere it went! [He chuckles.] what a Valentine's Day that was!
Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? [He quickly eats it.] Pah! Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.
Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday and it didn't cost me $300! I'm not paying. [He puts on a top hat.] Farewell good sir!
Zoidberg (crying): Oh what a foolish squid I've been. I'm not rich! I can't even buy one measley masterpiece!
Zoidberg: Welcome one and all. I finally figured out how money could make me happy! By using it to buy my hungry friends a feast!
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one.
Zoidberg: (sadly) I can so relate to that.
Zoidberg: Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning.
Zoidberg: Well I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news so, let me break it to him gently. [He shakes him and shouts.] (shouting) Fry you have no nose! Your nose is gone! You have no nose on your face! Where it is I can't say but on your face it's not!
Zoidberg: Cheer up friend. When we get home a high quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new.
The Devil's Hands are Idol Playthings
Zoidberg: Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two records! Oh Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer! [Someone on the other end picks up.] Hello? I'll take eight!
Fry: But I can't play anymore.
Zoidberg: (shouting) Yes you can. The beauty was in your heart, not your hands. [Fry picks the holophonor up and plays a bad tune. A crude holo-scene forms. A crude Holo-Fry and Holo-Leela walk out of some crude houses and stare at each other. The audience boos.] The music's bad and you should feel bad.
Tinny Tim: (shouting) Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks!
Zoidberg: I'll take eight!